A healthy relationship will always nurture, love and respect. It will never control, manipulate or blackmail. These are my five signs of a controlling relationship.
1) Losing Your Identity
Being in a relationship and sharing a life together with someone you love is wonderful, but when your identity is lost or overshadowed by someone else’s, it is no longer a healthy relationship. For instance you may no longer have your own email address, it is now shared with the controlling partner, which allows him/her to police your inbox. You might be spending more time on your partner’s projects or hobbies, and much less time doing the things you used to do alone such as your afternoon walk, a coffee out etc… The controller will dominate the relationship, and soon enough, his/her needs, wants, aspirations and goals etc, will overshadow your own. In the beginning this may seem like you are compromising for the sake of the relationship, or contributing to your partner's needs/wants, but slowly slowy, layer by layer, a controller will strip away your identity, until you are a shadow of your former self. I often think of a lady I knew who once said about a 20 year old photo of herself, 'I wore my hair like that because 'he' liked it that way, but I never thought it suited me'. If this is you, please don't let it be 20 years.
2) No Free Time
Is your time now fully occupied with chores, or other things that have been set for you by your partner? A Controller will slowly take over every moment of your time, some even create lists and inflexible time tables that allow no room for a moment of personal time which can also cut off family and friend social time. When you are not at work, your time belongs to him/her, and you may even find yourself having to account for any discrepancies in 'their' timetable such as being late home from work, or maybe you did not pick up the phone when they called. If you are finding yourself without time do with as you please, enjoy your hobbies, or go out with your friends, you are in a controlling relationship, and you must get out asap.
3) Isolation
A controlling partner may isolate you from family and friends. By making it uncomfortable for friends or family when they visit, or contact you. This won’t happen overnight, it may happen so slowly that you don’t recognize it. How long has it been since you went out for a beer with your mates? Had a coffee with your friends? Visited or phoned your family? Feeling isolated from your favorite people is being controlled.
4) Manipulation
The controller may manipulate and dominate by constant contact such as texting, emailing or phoning to check up on you, or find out where you are. Some have been known to text the partner from the next room to control a conversation. While manipulation can unfortunately be a part of any relationship, it is the controllers most used weapon. The controlling partner will use many forms of lies or emotional blackmail to manipulate and control the other person, and if the controller does not get his/her way, he/she may even become physically abusive to gain control over the partner. If you are in a situation where you have been abused, please seek help.
5) Asking for Permission
If you are a grown adult, can hold down a job, pay your bills and function as a normal healthy adult, and you are asking permission from your partner to do things you would ordinarily seek no permission for, then you need to rethink your actions and assess your relationship. If you don’t feel comfortable saying yes to a mate's party invite, or dinner out with your friends, simply because you worry that your partner may not approve, then you are being controlled, and you are being manipulated. This is quite different from simply asking for your partner's input or opinion, and not to be confused.
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